It has been three years and nothing seem to be shining
You want me to lie and say it is all perfect? Guess what; my life was never perfect. I do not even think it will ever be perfect. I love writing about a single mother life because that’s who I am. It seriously gets hard as years go on. It has been three years, and nothing seems to be shining anymore. I have tried praying to God for guidance, but the moment I close my eyes and start to present my needs to HIM, I just feel I can’t.
Don’t get me wrong; it is not that I have lost faith in the Almighty God, but I just do not know where to start. I want to ask HIM a lot of questions. I want to know why I do not have a job yet, a well-paying job (Ksh 40,000 PM is enough for me). I want to know why it has become hard for me even to succeed as a freelance writer. Nowadays my performance has dropped, and I feel sorry when I submit a substandard job to my bosses. I want to explain to them what is happening because I know that is not who I am, but where do I start.
I want to ask God why I cannot love somebody. You know I have been engaged, I have been in love with someone before but I fall out of love somewhere down the line. I want to explain to the guy and tell him it is not his fault; it is not that I loved him less but it’s because my heart is not to anyone at all. I thought I could love him but how can I love someone when I do not understand myself either. You know I cannot love him and let him take all my burdens because I have been raised knowing I can only depend on myself. How can I allow myself to love someone who is working yet I do not even have a stable income myself? I do not even have a strong connection with my God nowadays.
I feel like a broken egg, like a broken shell. As a single mother, I knew my life would never be comfortable because truth be told, I cannot embrace the idea of depending on a man to cater to my every need. I want to be independent before I can love someone. I want to have my strong connection with my God before I can let someone in. I want to provide for my son before any man can take over. Unfortunately, these are the major things am lacking now.
Sometimes I wish I could have all those answers and know if my God has forsaken me. I have applied to tons of job opportunities, but there is not even a silver lining in my clouds. I have prayed to God since I was young and He answers but right now, it is like am on my own. I just want a job to afford a lifestyle for my son. Every day I wake up to more corruption saga in Kenya, and I wonder how did that happen, yet other youths like me do not have any source of livelihood. Every day things get worse; I have become the beneficiary of the soft loans.
Most of my friends’ advise me towards saving but if they only knew how hard it is to save when your family depends on you and you still have to feed your child. I am not a pessimist, but the world is turning me into one. I have taken upon myself to impact hope upon orphans and children living with HIV/AIDs. It is not because I have much for a surplus, but I just want to share with those kids what I got. I am not benefiting financially through that, but it gives me hope and satisfaction to know I am not useless after all. I just wish one of this beautiful days; I will land on the job to get out of the house, even if it is a tour guide or a receptionist, I do not care. I just want a stepping stone. I am a hard worker, reliable, friendly but all I want is to be independent. I desire to come home to my son as he hugs me, I can tell him, “Here Godian, we can now eat without a struggle.”
My son is my motivation. I just want a decent job to make a living and be a better mom.
My love for my son drives me crazy sometimes. He is the sweetest. He is understanding. Sometimes I look at him, and wonder does he understand why he has to stay with his grandma when am living in the city trying to look for our daily bread. I want to stay with him so bad. I want to be with him, raise him, and make up for the three years I have not been with him. I just want a stepping stone and will be with him. I just want a starting point to bring him here.
He motivates me to be a straight, honest, and dependable human being. I do not want a man to make it or be independent, what I want is a decent job to make a living and be a great mom to my son and to give back to the community. How I wish someone reasonable can stumble upon this article and give me the opportunity to release my potential. I love helping people, listening to them, guiding them, and accepting them for who they are. Life has taught me everyone lacks; everyone just needs love, everyone just needs to be understood. Someday, I will write an article to say how God heard my prayers because, through this article, I have prayed. God all I need is a decent job; I have you already.
Disclaimer** Am not looking for a man, I need a decent job.
This article first appeared Here